


god, i am your believer

by AiFrost



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentioned Kageyama Tobio, Mentioned Oikawa Tooru, Post-Break Up, Post-Time Skip, Religious Imagery & Symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29605788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AiFrost/pseuds/AiFrost
Summary: Kita Shinsuke will probably be the death of him. As he makes Atsumu mourn to the lowest point of his life, as he makes Atsumu turn into something he never imagined, eaten by guilt and sorrow.Atsumu swears there won't be another one as his head is full with his time back in Olympus. But Shouyou comes running by, sees Atsumu, and decides to stay.This is the story of Atsumu's denial with made up stories and his fear of being haunted, and also his realisation that he never fell that hard actually.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17
Collections: Haikyuu Big Bang 2020





	god, i am your believer

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to say thank you to [Robin!](https://twitter.com/hana_shi_?s=09) and [Kade!](https://twitter.com/yatosscarf?s=09)  
> Thank you for your hard work!!! I really had fun working with you guys!! 💕💕💕
> 
> Also thank you to [HQBB mods!](https://twitter.com/_hqbb?s=09)  
> Thank you for your hard work!!! 
> 
> And to whoever who'll read this fic, I hope you have fun :)

Being drunk feels like diving into another dimension for Atsumu. His mind sinks into clarity, can't stop remembering about things that became his reason to chug down the alcohol.

It spews out random thoughts, close to odd things that's close to conspiracy theories. He'll sometimes share it with a stranger he just met in the bar or with the quiet bartender, or just to the moon that hangs lowly as he walks down the street, like now.

He'll say that he doubt his ex is a human with how lacking his expression is, he'll say his ex's hometown is at antarctic because he felt chills every time he deals with his cold logic, he'll say the secret of his ex's white hair is the eternal snow he keeps on his head and keeps it cool with his aura, and the rest will grow even more strange, quirky, and illogical in any way. But it's the only time Atsumu freely talks about Shinsuke after their nasty break up. 

His sight gets blurry and everything just seems to spin around, making him unable to move straight forward as his feet wobble and feels jelly-like. He snicker at himself as he thought about another theory about his old senpai.

Shinsuke is a god, he must be one, maybe a fox god or something; a god who smells like tea, and orange if he's lucky; a god who must have descended from the sky to teach him how to nourish the garden in the backyard because Osamu is shit with that kind of things; he must be a god who secretly feed off from his energy at night, because Atsumu always had difficulties on getting out from the bed early and only wants to cuddle with his beloved all day long; he must be a god, he definitely is, that's why Atsumu felt intimidated, that's why Shinsuke felt out of reach, that's why they break up, and Atsumu can only laugh pitifully at that, letting the cold wind of the night carries his voice away, but not his sadness as he still desperately clings onto it, finding it hard to move on from the particular silver haired male. 

"He must be a god, he definitely is..." the blond mumbles as he gets into the metal box. 

It took a bit of time for him to press the elevator button--thankfully he managed to collect his sanity, making him sober for a second to remember on which floor his apartment is. 

Shinsuke is a god, the god of calm and stillness, the god of plants and tomato that Atsumu never fond of, the god of cold hearted people, and Atsumu is no match for him. 

"Shinsuke is a god, he must be..." he mutters under his breath as the elevator dings, signaling his arrival. 

A god who likes green tea, a god who likes to chat with grannies, a god who likes tofu hamburger, a god who likes bubble tea on every date, a god who likes... 

"Orange."

His mind makes the line blur between fruit and colour, and Atsumu doesn't have the chance to think more about that as his feet and consciousness give up. 

The last thing in his mind is that Shinsuke is a god who likes oranges and settles down under a kotatsu while Atsumu patiently waits for him to feed him with the sweet citrus. 

~****~

The blaring alarm sends him groaning as he senses a pang of headache. His limbs feel heavy even only to shut the clock up with one click. When his hand finally turns the annoying sound off, it immediately loses its energy and slides down, taking the clock with it, leading to destruction as it hits the floor. Atsumu cusses and clicks his tongue, but doesn't even bother to move from his place. Just as he thinks he can stay quiet with the headache accompanying him, a mentally harsh bonk delivers to his head as he hears the doorbell rings impatiently. 

Groaning once again, he finally gets up from his bed, staggering like a newborn deer as he walks to the door to greet whoever outside his apartment. His breath was rushed, his blood's boiling. Unlocking the door, he harshly opens it and immediately squints his eyes with the enormous amount of light that invades his eyes at once, making his sight blurs for a moment before it rests on tufts of.... 

"Orange."

Another feeling seeps through, a deja vu. 

"Ah, good morning!" The orange says, cheerfulness was thick in his voice, "I'm glad that you were okay."

"You passed out in front of the door. I hope you didn't mind with me carrying you into your apartment... Umm... I didn't see anything so you don't need to worry! I just moved in you see, so mine is still a clutter of mess!" 

It's not every day he can see a small man with orange hair, flailing his hands around as he tries to storytell when the blond is drunk. Atsumu would have thought that his new neighbour is cute and would love to celebrate their reunion since they last saw each other in high school, that if the tangerine wasn't the reason why his headache gets worse. He would have felt thankful for his help last night, but instead of that, there's only annoyance in his heart. 

"Are ya done with yer rambling?" he cut him off. 

The blond may have got a tinge of guilt when he saw the other quickly shut his mouth, but then, he's too tired, too hungover to deal with a hyper kid. 

"Listen, I'm thankful for yer help, but I thought scrubs like ya have common sense that it's rude to wake up someone with a hungover for petty things."

Atsumu didn't wait for the smaller guy to say or even process his sharp words; he didn't think twice when he slammed the door close, clearly showing his discomfort with the other's presence.

Well, more like something else bothered his mind, and it's not the splitting headache; it's a memory from their last winter. 

"Kita-san likes orange..." he said as he stumbled to the kitchen, taking painkillers from a drawer. 

The sunlight bathed him with golden glow and delicate warmth, just like when he spent his time under the kotatsu that day, but still he felt cold and empty. He tried to recall how the citrus taste like; is it sweet or is it sour? He didn't remember, but he did recall the chiming laugh, the smile he adored so much, and cold fingertips dripping with gentleness touching his scalp. In normal times, he'll get giddy or even smile just with the thought of it passing his mind, but now it only leaves a hollow feeling, the dulling ache he felt after taking the painkillers only adds fuel to his sadness. 

It drowns him to sleep, the good times they had, the lonely feeling that clawed his inside, and the light from the rising sun. 

~****~

Guilt tucked neatly at the farthest corner of his heart. He may have meant his words that morning, he may have anger boiling in him at that moment, but that doesn't mean he didn't feel thankful as well. And one thing he tries to avoid is to feel more than he should have for the time being; he didn't know how that weighing feeling can manage to slip inside while he's filled with ruins from his previous break up. It tooks toll on his mind whenever he sees his small neighbour immediately scamper away when they accidentally meet, it makes him frown when a clear scared expression is painted on his savior's face. He didn't like it at all, and no matter how much he tries to push it away, it'll bug his mind as much as it bugs his heart.

The beer tasted weird that night; there's a tinge of citrus at the back of his tongue as his mind occupied with two things, that distant memory of winter and his scared neighbour. His shoulder feels heavy as fatigue bites him early. The loud bar felt like a haunted house, and Atsumu wanted nothing more but to escape from there; so he did. 

A bit tipsy, but far from drunk, for once he takes his time to look at the scenery on his way home, something that he almost never does. The reason why he moved to his current apartment is because the house he shared with Osamu contains too much Shinsuke. And for his sanity, his twin helped him with the apartment idea. 

There's Shinsuke's presence in the garden, with gardening gloves and straw hat, tending the plants carefully with a smile latched on his lips. There's Shinsuke's lingering scent on the couch, on his bed, on his pillow, on his favourite sweater that reached Shinsuke's thighs. There's his memory with Shinsuke in every room, in every corner. The place he called home, the place that's always full of love, he can only see flashing images that crushes his heart over and over again. 

Normal streetlights, normal street signs, normal pathways that he almost can't distinguish with the one he usually walks on with Osamu. Past seems to be a monster that always follows him behind, and now it slowly injects itself to the present he desperately holds on to. 

He almost never went back to his apartment sober enough, always filled with beer to the brim, heat dusted his cheeks red, and dizzy swept his mind away. Now that he's aware of everything, afraid starts to seep in, spooking him with the memories he once held dear, terrorised with bad feelings that came from the unknown, maybe the pit of his heart or the corners where he hid things he wished to not see. 

But then a presence saves him from the uncomfortable of the familiarity; Hinata who's currently in front of a vending machine, still hasn't noticed Atsumu's presence that's not really far. He probably should say thanks with the unresolved feelings tucked inside of him to the younger male, because now the only thing that stood out and scream foreign is him, the person who saved him that night, his so called rescuer. 

A re-do for his fucked up to discard the twinge of remorse he's been feeling for two days. While Atsumu contemplates on how, he lessens their gap, and the blond is thankful that his attention is still on rows of drinks the machine offers. 

"Hey."

In so many greetings made with proper words that could resemble and strengthen his compunction from their last event, he chose the most awkward, the most lame one. Osamu would surely laugh his ass off if he's here. 

Hearing a sudden voice from behind, the ginger whipped his head, giving him a comical expression that he can decipher as surprised and scared mixed into one. Atsumu slips a few chuckles with how raw the boy is, how bold his features express what he felt. Later it changes into a wary one, eyes refusing to meet his but still stole some cautious glances, fingers fidgeting, teeth biting the inside of his bottom lip. He knew it's probably a bit too fast to confront his neighbour like this—heck, he felt more guilty than ever for traumatising a child—but if he keeps avoiding it then tension will always be between them, and that's not how Atsumu wants to establish his relationship with the new neighbour. 

"I uhh... 'm sorry for what I did, yellin' at ya was very rude of me."

As much as he despise the word 'sorry', how anti he is when it came to his pride, once in a blue moon, if the situation demand him to lower down a bit, then he'll say it, just so it can be quickly called off and this unimportant burden will be no more. 

It went quiet for a while, only sounds of distant cars in the background. Atsumu's hazel eyes trained on the person in front of him, who's seems busy with his own mind, like thinking deep about something and the blond hopes it's about what he just said because he won't say it again, also he would like the ginger to make up his mind soon because time is money—or so his brother said—and the tall male doesn't want anything more than sleep early. 

"It's okay... I'm the one who's at fault anyway. I was worried you won't wake up and get more sick than before!"

"So you cared about me?"

Atsumu knew he should have held back his tongue, but those words were slippery, such kind of teasing has become a part of him, a character, his trademark. It sends a satisfied feeling in his chest as it swells with content when roses blooms on the other's apple cheeks. 

"It's nice to finally meet you again, Shouyou-kun."

The blond can definitely feel Shouyou's jolt when they shake hands. Now that the burden has been removed, his neighbour turns into something interesting for him, intriguing him like just old times. 

Will they be neighbours in good term? Atsumu can't wait to find out. 

~****~

Just like what he thought, guilt did take a big part of him being unable to enjoy the night that time. Now that it's discarded from his life, he can drink anything to his heart's content, he can focus again to the hollow feeling, to the hole in the shape of someone he knew as a god, to the missing part of his life. 

His way home feels like a limbo all over again. It's not something likeable--how could he when he keeps swaying on his steps and nasty feelings keep latching to the core of his being--but it's oddly comforting like walking back home after volley practice; something that became a part of his life. 

But there's another thing that barged in after he established his relationship with his neighbour who's a year younger than him. Hinata Shouyou will be in front of his own apartment at this time, and seems to admire the city scene while he claims to be needing some fresh air... Or maybe he's waiting for someone, like Atsumu. 

The blond would love to think like that, but then he shook it off as his heart protested, still busy mourning with the old wounds. 

There won't be a place for him. It's full with memories and unseen tears, so there's no room for a piece of sunshine. His heart said so in words of feelings, painful tugging and clawing fear. 

"Atsumu-san! Are you okay? Were you out drinking again?"

It's funny how now he's suspicious of every extended hand that meant to help him. Atsumu chuckled at his pitiful response.

'Yer already miserable enough, do ya have more pride to take someone else's pity?'

"Only a bit," he lied, swaying left and right before the ginger came to give him his aid. 

There's no room for a new person. His old god has taken so much space in him that he doesn't even have a roof for himself. 

"Why do you do this, Atsumu-san?"

There's no room. There's nothing here for you. You have no chance so take the hint and back off before I make the same mistake again, fucked up myself all over again. 

But instead of pushing him away like what his mind and heart told him, he said this as they trudged to Atsumu's bedroom. 

"I'll tell ya one day, Shouyou-kun.."

I'll block him, I'll make a line, I'll make the limits, he promised to himself so he can sleep and stop his insecurities from keeping him awake all night. 

Hinata Shouyou may get into his life with such coincidence, but Atsumu won't let it be more than that. 

~****~

"Have you ever heard of this tale, Shouyou-kun?"

Atsumu once again comes home with Hinata in his mind, thinking about orange, a citrus with bumpy skin, protecting waxy insides. When you push the navel, you can taste the acid from the unique smell, but for the true surprise in thousands of grains form, wrapped nicely with quite thick skin, separating it into 8 pieces, you can only taste it with popping one into your mouth. Atsumu is lucky this time, it's sweet. 

"Once upon a time, there was a god who concealed himself as a human. No one knew why he did that, but he certainly ain't doing a good job. Though he looked like a normal boy, there was something like an aura that made everyone couldn't get close to him. He never failed a test, never missed a practice, always came early and left last to wipe all worn out balls, also he rarely showed his expression; that's why everyone ought to find out he was some kind of god from an inari or an android with a mission to spy but it was doing a bad job. 

He caught many interests, but there's one that never waver. This boy could only watch the god from afar because he felt scared with his upper-class man, also he's scared the god will know his secret. He's a god after all, he must have known everything even without looking; that thought passed the boy's mind, but he didn't stop his lingering gaze at someone so beautiful. It was his fault for showing his feelings out in the open, even his brother and his friends knew about it, but this god never showed any change; he never looked back.

The boy wanted to think it's better like this, but his greedy self wants more and more. So he prayed to every god he knew, he prayed to anything man worshipped, he went to inaris because he didn't know which god his crush was. And with a stroke of luck, one day, the god looked back and the boy's life is never the same ever since. He's drunk, Shouyou-kun. The boy was drunk, I tell ya."

The other laughed. "It's you who's drunk, Atsumu-san."

The blond only scoffed. "Yeah, 'm sure am drunk."

This is the line he made, the line he promised to his heart and mind; he won't tell Shouyou about his reason directly--though he must say he felt he said it quite blatantly. Think of it as a little test, just so his pride won't feel bad with admitting his vulnerability.

It's not a brilliant idea, he probably can think of a better one if he stops drinking for once and gives some time to the thought. But even now he has empty cans of beers right beside his feet and a half full one sitting idly under the balcony's railing as he's still busy with his orange. 

"And then? It's not finished yet, right Atsumu-san?"

Atsumu hummed in thought, racking his brain, forming words after words to continue the story. 

"Well, the boy was really happy, between all gods he came into, he must have stumbled to this particular god and the god heard his prayers. He became more brave and slowly but steady, tried to move from his place, inching closer to the god. He was glad when the god appreciated his hard work. Exchanging gaze and a few words became a chit chat that touched other areas, other than volley and school works. It was visible to anyone that something changed between them. 

The boy worshipped this god only, he was sure his upper-class man was the fox god as he knew the older male often visited the inari with his grandmother. He cherished their relationship, slowly getting closer and closer, nourishing it with knowing each other more and more."

"Until one day..." he paused for dramatic effect and slowly closed their gap, chuckling when he saw Shouyou is completely drawn into his made up story like a child. 

"The boy was taken into another world by the god in order to establish their new relationship. He lived up there, Shou, up in the clouds," Atsumu pointed to the clear night sky. 

"He's drunk, Shouyou-kun, drunk I tell ya."

"It's you who's drunk, Atsumu-san," he laughed. 

"Nah, I'm good," he took a swig of his beer, washing his mouth from the sweet flavour with bitter, "It's the boy who's drunk, not me."

Shouyou rolled his eyes.

"And then?" 

"And then.. He lived happily, in the land of gods, in the arms of his beloved fox god. There, he felt he could take anything, even the world all by himself. He felt powerful. He felt like a god as he's loved by one. He forgot who he truly is. Because no matter what, a boy will be a boy, and a god will be a god. 

He was greedy, Shou. Greedy and drunk, I tell ya. He thought he's perfect while he's far from it and he's frustrated with it. He threw tantrums over his imperfections. Pushing, yelling, dump his anger to the fox god like he’s a fuckin’ rag doll or somethin’. Made storms and thunder roared with his anger. He did apologise after that, the boy told his beloved sweet promises that he will never do it again. But then, he's a boy, Shou. A boy will always be a boy, and a god will always be a god. 

The god is full of love, patience runs through his veins and warmth drips from his fingertips. He never fails to calm the boy down even though it takes everything from him. He did it like a second nature. Day after day, month after month, year after year. Until one day, it hit him. The god thought, boys will be boys, gods will be gods, and there's no way to change that even if the fox god sacrifices all of his wisdom and heart. 

It's the truth they have to accept. But the boy is drunk, drunk I tell ya. So he can't understand what the god wanted, he can't understand anything and keep spewing shit from his raging anger."

"He's drunk, Shou, drunk I tell ya," Atsumu can hear his own voice vibrate, wavering in each second, slowly but steadily sinking into his emotions. 

“Even after he came back to earth and the god left him for good, he keeps on drinking to his ego, to his heart's content. He’s a boy and he’s drunk, what other combination can defeat such disaster?”

He heaved, almost out of breath as he concentrated on Shouyou’s dilated pupils. Their faces were close to each other, gaze drowning in both features. In these tiny pieces of time where everything is quiet, Atsumu wanted to ask, what did he feel? What made him blow his eyes like that? Was it a surprise expression? Some kind of revelation upon a secret that none knew about? Was it like some kind of prophecy a wise old man told to a soon to be hero? He wants to know what made Shouyou gape his mouth like that, he wants to know what’s inside his head, crack his heart open to know what he felt because Atsumu knew he once again do something stupid. 

He wants to take it, let him reach one of the stars from the orion belt, one from the milky way. Let him take a breath while drowning in the middle of the blue sea, let him take a leap from this building to another, let him free, open this cage, please. 

“Atsumu-san...”

Time still stops its steps, taking a moment to see two people chilling in their balcony, in front of their apartment, with oranges and cans of beer, with a made up tale to tell, hushed breaths and visible excitement to share, tucked hope and feelings the blond holds. 

“... Are you talking about someone with the story?”

Atsumu let the breath he holds in his chest go, he thought it’ll be less suffocating but in fact it doesn’t. His eyes stung and he felt something closed once more. 

Tearing his gaze to rows of endless buildings in front as he moved away, Atsumu let out a breathy laugh. His lips curled up once again, with sides quivering a bit. 

“No, Shouyou-kun. It’s just a tale, a stupid ol’ tale. I’m just drunk like what ya said.”

Yeah, he’s drunk. That’s why he does reckless things like this. He’s just a boy, that’s why he didn’t understand why Shouyou didn’t realise it even though he kept quiet about it. 

It’s probably just an act of rebelling against his heart and mind, a clear declaration of war to prove there’s still someone out there that could probably help him.

He’s a boy and he’s drunk, of course he didn’t know what he’s doing. 

~****~

“Atsumu-san, why did you drink?”

“Mmm? I just thought... Maybe I feel like this when I fall in love.”

Quick glances, if he’s lucky then he’ll get a full second to see Shinsuke in all of his glory. Not with a halo above his head or silk robe, or even naked, but with black t-shirt, training pants, and the team’s jacket clinging on his shoulders. Atsumu let himself flee for those mere seconds, let himself bask into adoration and worship on every chance and time he had. 

“Atsumu-san, why did you drink?”

“I thought... Maybe I felt like this when I tried to take his attention.”

Adrenaline rushed in his veins, fogging his mind. Just for a few words, for morning greetings, the 'we accidentally meet in the hall' greetings, before and after practice greetings, he tried to make as a habit, to stretch to his true intention, for knowing his mysterious upper-class man more while he’s being a mess himself. 

“Atsumu-san, why did you drink?”

“I just thought maybe when he looked back at me, it felt like this.”

It was like an unexpected arrow. His gaze pierced back, burned his chest, leaving trails on his body before stalking up to his eyes. That time he thought Shinsuke was one of the greek gods that's so famous but he never remembered the name, because he’s definitely stoned when their orbs clashed. 

“Atsumu-san, why did you drink?”

“Because I flew once, Shouyou-kun. I was really on top of the world once.”

How can someone like him fit the whole universe in his arms when they cuddled, in his hands when he cupped his cheeks. He saw a colourful kaleidoscope in his eyes, every gaze felt new, felt different, felt special. He tasted honey on his milky skin, tempting him to leave trails of roses and purple hydrangeas. He woke up with fire hidden in his ribcage, burning, swallowing both of them whole in their own little world, as they don’t care about anything else as long as they have each other. The high tones he heard from his laugh always surprised him, leaving him a blushing mess with how pleasant it sounds, and how he would love to hear it again and again. Shinsuke is his secret garden, a place so strange and unfamiliar, but also gentle and welcoming him with tons of colours, feelings, passion, everything that the world won’t even know could fit in a single person. How lucky Atsumu is for having his heart full and heavy, for having the chance to fly so high. 

“Atsumu-san, why did you drink?”

“Because I flew once, Shou. And I’m not ready to go back down to earth.”

He fell with his own mistake. With anger far from the bay, spitted from the tip of his tongue, blasted from the fiery hell inside him, he fell. With a frown in his forever young face, strong gaze that held fear and reluctance, also a spark of bravery, lips drawn back into a tight line, bottom lip sunk back as his pearly white teeth took its hold on the pinkish plump, with that Atsumu fall. He found himself back to earth, cold and alone, losing his universe, his everything when the door shutted closed and the god’s presence was no more. 

He’s never ready, never will. That’s why he gets drunk every night. 

~****~

“Atsumu-san! Atsumu-san!”

The blond didn’t give his spare key to his neighbour to wake him up and cause a massive headache. But now he has no other choice but to get up no matter how hung up he is. Cracking his eyes open, light floods his blurry vision of orange hair and tanned skin. He blinks a few times before seeing a determined face right in front of him. 

“What the fuck, Shouyou-kun?” his voice sounded hoarse. 

“You need to stop, Atsumu-san,” he can see a spark in those hazel orbs, “Stop drinking every night.”

“The boy in your story, it’s you right?”

Atsumu gives a side smile, scoffing laugh slipped from his chapped lips. 

“So now ya know? Congrats. Now leave me alone.”

“Atsumu-san!”

“What now, Shouyou? Can’t ya see I’m busy?”

“Busy with weeping to a god that doesn’t even exist?”

His brow twitched as his chest made a growling sound. 

“Ya better take that back.”

“No. You’re mad because I’m right! You’re just too full with your fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real or not.”

“Oh so now I’m insane? For telling ya I was broken-hearted ‘cos of a god?”

“Your god isn’t real, Atsumu-san.”

He lunged forward, tackling the younger with sheer anger. The words sound like gritting teeth, his squeaky door hinge, and chalks against blackboard. Isn’t real, huh? Then it’s him who’s hallucinating all this time?

“Care to tell me why I can’t reach out to him?”

“Care to tell me why he’s so out of reach, so perfect, so whole that I can feel how much of a sinner I am?”

“Tell me, Shou. Tell me.”

“What kind of human can make other humans feel that bad?”

“... They’re among us, Atsumu-san, but they’re not gods. At least that’s what I want to believe.”

Atsumu clicked his tongue. “Like I said, how can you-“

“Because I’ve been there before.”

Shouyou’s pair of orbs were also hazel, but with a tint of orange. And when he’s hungry for challenge in the middle of volley matches, it glows. His eyes were never more alive with fire dancing in his irises.

His eyes burn, flickered alive, and Atsumu feels burned alive under the intense stare, challenging him to argue more. But he can’t find any words to offer, mouth falling agape as Shouyou’s words echoes in his mind. 

“I’ve been there as well, Atsumu-san. I’ve fallen as well.”

Two sinners who have been banished from heaven is better than one, right?

~****~

Oh, how the tables have turned for Atsumu. He already guessed things would change between them if Shouyou knew. Well, that’s what he wants anyway; he relished the younger’s small affections. But he must say, things have swirled out of his hand now. 

Shouyou realising about his condition is one thing, but knowing the ginger has gone through the same thing as him is another thing. He would be lying if he said he’s not curious. He had guesses about Shouyou’s god, but he would love to hear the full story from Shouyou.

But can he even hear it in this crowded, loud place? 

Atsumu thought he needed a drink or two after such revelation, eventful morning, and afternoon spent with thoughts of his neighbour occupying his mind. He needs some fresh air, alone, not with Shouyou tailing him behind. 

The slight tan ginger is persistent, the fire he saw in the morning is still there. Atsumu doesn’t want to be swallowed up whole, burned to ashes like how a sinner like him deserves, so after some little arguments, he lets Shouyou come with him to a little shady place he frequently visits.

As always, the club is bustling with noise, whether it’s chattering, howls, and music for rows of dances. The blond takes Shouyou to his throne, stools at the end of the bar. The bartender who already noticed their arrival shot him a knowing look before coming with two beer bottles. 

“It’s rare to see you bringing a friend here, Miya-san.”

“Ya can say he’s a special one,” Atsumu sent a wink. 

"I hope both of you have a great night then.”

“Thank you, bartender-san!” this one comes from Shouyou as he waved enthusiastically, eliciting a chuckle from Atsumu. 

Atsumu left Shouyou with his drink for a while, while he enjoyed his. Scanning the dim place with colourful neon lights such as menacing magenta mixing with cool teal, dancing fluidly through the crowds as the DJ works with his board. It’s always cramped with strangers, just like how he likes it. Familiar faces tick him, especially when he sees their eyes, he can only see pity, he can only see his miserable reflection on them. 

Then how about Shouyou?

The blond glanced at the ginger as he took several gulps from the bottle green. Those eyes were always unreadable to him. Sometimes he saw himself being burned alive with those fiery irises, sometimes he saw himself pulled into a deep void of those pupils, always some kind of allegory he can never decipher. 

“How’s the beer, Shouyou-kun?”

“A bit bitter, but I can handle it!”

“I hope yer old enough to drink that.”

“Of course I am! And don’t worry, my tolerance is quite high after my training with the grand king in Brazil!”

“Grand king?” Atsumu raised one of his eyebrows, “Is this person... Your god?”

Shouyou’s eyes were blown wide as he choked on the liquid. “No! Oikawa-san is just a friend. I must say that he’s... Handsome and breathtaking... But no! We’re just friends! That’s all!”

Oikawa? Doesn’t ring a bell, so he only nods in acknowledgement though it tickles his curiosity with how Shouyou react to the so called grand king. He definitely won’t blush in embarrassment for a mere someone right? 

“Then who is it?” Atsumu asked before continuing, “Your god.”

For once he looked vulnerable with lowered gaze, brimming with fogs and dark clouds, with picking his tanned skin from the tips of the calloused finger, biting the insides of his cheeks. For once Atsumu can see that Shouyou is sad before the ginger drinks his beer again. For once Atsumu can see his reflection so clearly, in the form of someone else, someone who’s always bright like a sun, withered in a matter of seconds. 

“I guess you know a thing or two about me and Kageyama when we’re still in high school, right Atsumu-san?”

“Kageyama... Tobio-kun?”

It’s not a secret that the freak duo from Karasuno has something else between them. Their bickering sounds normal, but if anyone looked at it closely, it’s actually their way to show affection, and probably to cover up their relationship. It does a great job, but not really for Miya Atsumu as he loves to tease both of them when they meet in interhigh. It’s entertaining for the blond to see slight blush on the setter’s face, and how he uncharacteristically also unconsciously called Shouyou is a great partner of his. 

It’s not a surprise for Atsumu if Shouyou say they’re dating. But Shouyou’s claim that Kageyama Tobio is a god is another news. 

“Yeah... Tobi-kun.”

“We dated not long after the third year graduated. He said we’ll go even higher this time, together.”

“He’s not a god. He’s mean, selfish, single minded, stupid. He got bad grades, can’t think about anything else than volleyball.”

“Sounds like ya, Shouyou-kun.”

“Shut up! It’s about To- Kageyama!”

Atsumu catched that slip, taking a mental note that Shouyou hasn’t fully moved on yet, like him. 

“And then? Ya better spill everything cus I already told mine.”

“Okay okay, geez. I didn’t take you as a pushy person, Atsumu-san.”

“Things don't really change, rather there’s new things here and there, though we need some time to adjust since Kageyama is very stiff with these kinds of things. He’s not a romantic person to begin with, but he finally loosen up after some time. Holding hands, volley dates, staying over for the night, eating lunch together, it’s just a bunch of new things added between us.”

“Don’t get me wrong, but it felt great. It felt nice to get to know my partner’s sides outside the court. It’s good to see him relaxed for a while and not frowning. It’s nice to see his smile more frequently. It’s nice to get pats from the hand that almost crushed my head numerous times. It felt great to be with him.”

“I was so intoxicated with those moments that I almost forgot one thing.”

“He’s a god, Atsumu-san. He’s a volleyball god.”

“I thought we love volley equally, but Kageyama is definitely something else. It’s a part of him, he grew up with that sport, there’s a sentimental thing in volleyball for him. Being in the court is everything for him. That’s why he didn’t hesitate to accept the chance to join the V-League, he didn’t hesitate to leave me behind.”

“I’m being petty aren’t I? It’s not something new for him to be able to reach something higher, something that I can’t reach at that time. But after all of that, well... I thought something would change. I thought he’ll talk about it, discuss it with me, or even warn me about it. But no, it’s Kageyama after all, he’s never much of a talker.”

“It’s probably my fault as well for not telling him about my plan to go to Brazil. Rather than knowing it from me, he probably knew it from the rumours since I accidentally let that thought slip. He must have been angry and disappointed, so I shouldn’t feel the same. I deserve it, right Atsumu-san?”

The blond heard several times when Shouyou’s voice crack due to excitement with their match, due to feeling intimidated when he towers over him, due to embarrassment when he teased him about Kageyama. But never with pain, never with glossy eyes and tears at bay, never with pulled up quivering lips, never with such strain of lie that never suits Shouyou’s character. 

He’s known as bright and honest, not with a mask. 

It doesn’t take long for Shouyou’s tears to fall down, for him to whimper, trying to hold his voice as if the room is dead silent. The ginger bows down, covering his face with his palms. Even so, Atsumu can still see the gasps he takes, his shoulders snapped up before falling and trembling again. 

It’s better like this. It’s the Shouyou he knew, honest and simple. But it’s still weird for him to see such a usually happy person cry in front of him. 

“Shouyou-kun...” his voice immediately swallowed by the crowds, never reached the younger male. 

Other than familiar faces, Atsumu also avoids any skin contact—Shouyou is probably an exception since he helped him when he’s drunk, or is it just pity and guilt that makes him think like this? He doesn't know. He never initiates one or lets people touch him even the slightest, even his own twin can’t, because there are scars littering his body, his god leaves invisible trails that will cause him pain if anyone touches him, or is it him who has done such things to his own body? 

That’s why he’s hesitating. Hands clawing into his jeans, trying to move but also to stay still as well. He can’t, he surely knows what awaits him if he does it. Affection and sympathy won’t do him good. It’ll crumble everything he had built. It’ll destroy his hatred towards himself because he’ll do something good for once, and it’s for someone else.

‘You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.’

That’s why he ruined himself. He’s already doomed with a sprain on his ankle, which made him sit on the bench for the rest of the match and have to rest in his off season. He’s already dead when the door is closed, when his messages weren’t sent, when his calls weren’t answered. 

He didn't want to love anyone else, his heart and mind said so. He doesn't want to, at least now. Not when he’s still head over heels about Kita Shinsuke, not when he’s still drunk. Not when he pitied himself and was miserable like this, not when he’s not himself. 

But despite the odds, despite his own being, despite everything else, he reached out. 

Gently placing his hands on Shouyou’s ears, he moved closer. 

“It’s okay, Shouyou. Let it out. It’s not like ya to hold something.”

The world still rotates, still revolves around the sun. Maybe they’re in a different world, in a different dimension, in a place where time doesn’t rule. In one of the corners in the bustling bar, they sat together, trying to comfort one another with a gap of Atsumu’s arms. 

After so long that seems like an eternity for him, Atsumu wears his heart on his sleeve. 

~****~

“Atsumu-san!!”

Last night has gone, swallowed by time, but stayed the same in his mind. He thought it’ll fall down from his shoulders when he finally can do normal exercise at the gym, though not too much. He thought it’ll snap out of his mind like old tendons. He thought it’ll melt, exiting his pores like sweat. But it doesn’t, it stays in his mind, making friends with his other problem, and living there rent free. 

He thought he’s not the only one who’s like this. But after hearing Shouyou’s cheerful voice and see his wide smile, Atsumu is more sure that he’s stupid for letting himself drowned in his emotions last night, because it seems the ginger weren’t fazed at all. 

“Hey, Shouyou-kun. Playing alone?”

“Not anymore if you join me!”

It’s a park near the apartment building, the one he almost never visits as he usually stays in from morning to noon and makes a straight beeline to the bar when night comes. He would probably forget about it if Shouyou didn’t show up at the entrance, waving at him enthusiastically.

“Ya know I haven’t fully recovered yet, Shouyou-kun.”

“Awwww... No fun.”

It’s funny to see him pout, Atsumu thought. It’s fun to see the sides of Hinata Shouyou that he has never seen before. It serves as a mere entertainment for the blond, nothing more, at least for now. 

“Eager ain’t ya? Why don’cha try Black Jackal’s try out?”

“I’m planning to! I’ll definitely sign up for it! So I can get tosses from you, Atsumu-san, just like what you promised!”

It made Atsumu widen his eyes a bit, clearly not hoping for him to bring that up. Of course he remembered the promise, he said it over and over again whenever he had the chance. Hinata remembered, it should be natural for him but it still sends warmth to Atsumu’s chest. 

“And that way, I can finally fight Kageyama!”

Ah, somehow Atsumu isn’t surprised with that one. 

~****~

“Atsumu-san!!”

“Shouyou..”

“Are you going out?”

“Yeah...”

“Then you don’t need to!”

“What? But-“

“Nope, come on now!” he pushed him in, “You can drink at home, I bought a lot for us!”

“... Did they ask for yer ID card?” he smirked. 

“Of course not! Everyone can see that I’m an adult!”

“Well ya never know, right? They can be mistaken ya as a high school kid.”

“Atsumu-san!!”

Shouyou pinched his arm, digging to his tendons and skin then pulled, sending jolts of pain. 

Ah, this is bad, very bad, that’s what he thought as his heart wrench in pain when he saw those tufts of orange hair in front of his door.

For once, he wants to go out so bad. He wants to remember his ex purposely, deeply, longingly, despite his neighbour’s help. For once, he doesn’t want to meet Shouyou. He wants to muddle up with his grief, stay in his confinement and never see the sun again. Because it’s his aim from the time he realised he has fallen, to hate himself so he won’t be able to love anyone else, to stop any stranger infiltrating his base. Hinata Shouyou has long crossed the line, and it’s time for him to kick him out. But though Atsumu is a pain in the ass—like what Osamu said—he wants to ask Shouyou nicely this time. He learned from his mistake before, and the little tangerine has helped him a lot when he’s knocked up dead in front of his own apartment. 

But then how?

Atsumu wasn’t made like him. He’s made jagged with rough edges, sharp tongue and pointy attitude, heart full of himself, rage like volcano, everything that’s bad and drives people away except those who can really accept how much of an asshole he is. He’s made as an arrogant believer, a servant with preferences, with no humbleness at heart. But he’s loyal. Loyal enough to drink until he drops dead, loyal enough to rewind his memory like a broken tape, loyal enough to not forget his god’s very existence in this world. Or he’s just stupid, plainly stupid. 

Seems like Osamu’s harsh words have done some numbers to him. 

Also, he’s loyal enough to not worship the sun. At least that’s what he thought and believed for now. Not now, not in a million years, not when he's still in broken little pieces and remember the old fox god that has left him. Now when he purposely hates himself in order to drive people mad and away. 

“Shouyou-kun, ya really don’t need to do this.”

The boy’s move is fast and calculated, it’s as if he’s in his own kitchen, even Atsumu—the owner who had this room for formalities—doesn’t know the nooks and cranny. He doubts he ever opens the cabinets that stores kitchen utilities, knows how many pans he got, did he have a soup spoon or not, and other stuff he doesn’t bother to remember because it’s just a kitchen, the least room he visited unless it’s for food and coffee. Osamu already took care of it after all, saying even though he’s not a great cook, he should have his kitchen nice and clean. 

“Nope. I insist, Atsumu-san. It’s better to eat homemade dinner rather than take outs or not even at all, right?”

Atsumu can only awkwardly laugh at that. He definitely didn’t take care of himself after moving here. His stomach isn’t surprised anymore with beer and small snacks at night, cereal or fruits at morning, and nothing at noon. If he’s in the mood for more, then he’ll order take out.

“Haha, how can ya know, Shouyou-kun?”

He shrugged. “Just lucky guess, I think.”

No, it’s definitely not, Atsumu reads between the threads. Did Shouyou really feel like this when Tobio left him? Did he really feel this miserable until he can’t function properly and just want to mope around? Did he really have time to do that when he’s in Brazil?

Atsumu finds it unbelievable. They were two different poles. There’s no way Shouyou can do things like what he’s currently doing. Though he looked sad, though he cried, it won’t faze him. In a matter of seconds, he’ll get back up straight again in one step. Night won’t last long on him, dawn will always come to get him. Shouyou is a sun, burning eternally. It’s not like he can’t get sad, he can, but he’s just not made for it. 

“You still like fatty tuna, right Atsumu-san? I visited the market and they had lots of good tuna!”

He bit his lip. “Shouyou, it’s okay to cook Brazilian food y'know.”

“Nah, I miss Japanese food. And it’s been awhile since I eat sushi, not that I’ve ever tried to make one before but it should be fun, right?”

“But I don’t have rice-“

“Oh, I’ve already cooked some, don’t worry! It should be done now. I’ll bring my rice cooker here!”

Atsumu doesn’t have any choice, Shouyou clearly doesn’t give him one as he dashed to the door. It should be just a normal hang out between friends, making dinner together, and chatting about life; little domestic things he usually has with Osamu and Shinsuke. And with this condition, it clearly screams danger to him. 

~****~

Shouyou groans in frustration. Chunks of tuna on a chopping board is in front of him. 

“I know it’ll be hard but I don’t expect it to be this hard!”

Atsumu can only laugh despite his mind wandering elsewhere with questions and memories in tow. Is this what Shinsuke feels when he’s in frustration about something? When he’s full of whine rather than fuming with boiling anger. He had fun seeing the ginger focusing on cutting the tuna thin enough, seeing him seething, frowning, biting his lip. Did Shinsuke think the same as well?

“I think it’s good enough, Shouyou-kun.”

“You think so?"

Seeing Shouyou's inconsistent is refreshing, yet it reminds him with his ex. Instead of pretty, neat rows of fatty tuna on rice, seeing variable sizes of the sushi amuse him, but something inside him keeps crawling, creeping, screaming that it's not right. But then he takes one, the biggest with glaring red flesh with white strips, and eats it. 

Oh, what do he expect. Different hands, different taste. 

"It's good."

"Really? Let me taste too!"

Shouyou frowns, first to the sushi, then to him, staring at him with worry more murky in his eyes. 

"Atsumu-san… it's really salty. I think I used too much salt on my hands? This will definitely numb your tongue if you keep eating it."

Atsumu hummed in response. Unfazed with the taste and the stings from his taste buds. 

Well, maybe that's what Atsumu wants. To be numb. 

"Do you want anything else? Maybe this time we can try something more simple," the orange suggested. 

"No, I'm full."

"But-"

"No need to, Shouyou-kun."

He tried to smile, and it's definitely a strained one. He doesn't know which method is kinder than this. 

He's asking Shouyou to leave. He wants Shouyou to leave. Leave and don't mess with him when he's a mess himself. 

"Then we can order!"

And he should have known that Shouyou won't give up so easily. 

The ginger left the messy kitchen counter to retrieve his phone on the dining table, saying something like he won't let Atsumu eat nothing tonight or such. He doesn't know, he's too busy controlling his breath as memory begins to flood. 

He knew this, all too well. And it's like a deja vu, but this time he's not playing his role. 

Shouyou shiveres. "It's getting cold these days, huh…" 

"Oh you have a kotatsu, Atsumu-san!"

This time, he's the one who's standing, the one who's looking for someone from afar. 

All his mind can think is… is this what Shinsuke feels? Seeing him trying to make something, then give up, opting to order instead? 

Is this how he really feels? Full with emotions he can't decipher, close to a either breakdown or explosion. 

"Do you have oranges, Atsumu-san?"

Ah, Kita-san likes orange, and Atsumu will always ask him to feed him some, while lounging in the kotatsu. 

Shinsuke's presence won't go, it's unchangeable, unforgettable. He's a god after all, and Atsumu is just a devoted man. So when Shouyou inches closer to the warming device, he can only see Shinsuke staring right at him, drilling holes to his eyes. 

'Isn't it supposed to me, Atsumu?'

"NO!"

Shouyou jolted, stopping his steps and looked behind, looking at a horrified Atsumu. 

"No…?"

"Hinata, leave."

"Eh? But-"

"I said, leave."

Shouyou still stares at him, face falling then contorts in confusion. 

Atsumu didn't hear what his neighbour said after that, what solace he offers when the blond is looking down. But when he heard the door clicking, Atsumu let himself fall and fall. Ignoring Shinsuke's calling, ignoring Shinsuke who's sitting in the kotatsu, waiting for him with a half peeled orange in his hand. 

'Good job, Atsumu. Now come here so we can eat orange together.'

He knew it, all too well, because his god's presence is fixed for his well faithful heart. His presence will always be there, wherever he goes. His presence will always strangle him, fill his mind with memories. 

And everytime Shinsuke does it, Atsumu finds his reality distorted with a bottle of anything strong, strong enough to alter his world for a little bit. 

But now he's sober enough, so all he can do is take the clawing loneliness and cry in a muffled voice, because his pride won't let him sob away. Nor that it'll help him anyway. 

~****~

He didn't know what time it was when he got up, nor that he cared enough with it to glance at the clock, or see if it's the moon or sun ruling outside. Once he stands up wobbly, his hazel pairs immediately find everything is still there, the kitchen counter is still messy and the chopping board with a block of tuna is still there, along with the sharp knife not too far. 

His head feels empty, floating around when he picks up the knife. The other unoccupied hand touches the cold, tender flesh. Atsumu lets the metal slice through it, trying to make it as thin as needed. 

It turns out too thick. 

No matter what, he won't succeed. In cooking. In forgetting how comforting it is when Shinsuke pats his shoulder. 

"Shin… suke…"

Tears once again fall from his slight red eyes. Mind crumbling down as his whole being follows. 

His god should have soothed him by now. His god wouldn't let him lie on the cold floor. But he's not here. Shinsuke is not here and it breaks Atsumu's heart. 

He's a devoted worshipper, or a loyal dog waiting for his master. Or he's just stupid. Plainly stupid. For making the same mistake over and over again. For not stopping him walking to the door. For being selfish and prideful. For being weak, unable to move on from the past he deemed worthless. 

When he plays volleyball, all he has is his muscles. When he's at home, all he has is Shinsuke. Now that both are way too far from his reach, what does he have now? 

Nothing. And Atsumu mourned for it. 

~****~

Miya Atsumu is a setter, and only in the name of volleyball, he'll bend down and over. 

Not the type that gave the gold behind his knees away, but the one that boosted his pride up, the one that represents his love for the sport, to give his 120%, to give his everything. 

Osamu will see the blond's hazel eyes trained on the ball, feet rooted to the ground, thighs and knees tensing, then he falls, only to get the ball with ten of his fingers as he deemed it to be better than just an under-receive. There will be times when the ball is too low and he'll push himself through the limit, resulting in his knees giving up and letting the floor prop him for a moment. 

And Osamu never sees his brother lay down, crumpled like this. 

The sides of his eyes were red, eyelids puffed, lips chapped, his upper limbs were wrapped around him, as if it's the last resort to prevent him from breaking down, and it definitely didn't do a good job. 

Atsumu was lying under the kitchen counter that had traces of sushi making, just like a meme he read once. And in other conditions, Osamu would laugh and record the great discovery with some photos for future blackmail. But sadly, he knew. 

The raven wants to curse himself for being a heavy sleeper, for not hearing his phone rings. He saw Shouyou had left so many calls and messages in ungodly hours, and he immediately knew it's about Atsumu. 

Is this real? Will Atsumu disappear when he touches him with his trembling hand? Will he suddenly wake up and find out that it's all just a bad dream, a manifestation of his constant worry to the gap between them? 

He hesitates once, but then he swoops the blond, sighing in relief that he still sees that face contorts in discomfort. 

"Don't worry. I got ya, 'Tsumu."

For now, he do. 

~****~

Atsumu doesn't only wake up with a headache, but also a massive heartache. All he remembers when he opens his eyes is Kita Shinsuke, making him immediately sit up right, wincing in pain, only to be welcomed with a hollow feeling inside. 

His god is already gone, and whatever he remembered before is probably from a stupid fever dream of his. 

Tears stings his eyes. It's been awhile since he's sober enough, or maybe even drunker than before, to remember the person that just left his life. He would fall down and cry himself to sleep if it's not because the door opens, revealing his brother who's always attached to him by the hip, his twin he's been pushing before. Osamu walks in casually with a glass of water in his hand, as if nothing bad happened, as if before he wakes up they just went out for a drink and spent time together.

"Are ya okay? Do ya need me to bring aspirin or anything?"

It stings. Kindness hurts Atsumu more than anything. 

"No need."

He can hear his brother's sigh of relief before he sits down on the side of the bed. 

"Found ya lying in the kitchen. Did failing to make sushi is that much of a tragedy for ya?"

He saw the playful tug on his brother's side lips, but he didn't mimic the gesture. 

"Maybe it does. Reminds me a lot with Shi- Kita-san."

Osamu sighed again, reaching out for his shoulder. 

"'Tsumu-"

"'Samu, don't."

The hand stops in the middle, Atsumu's gaze falls elsewhere.

"I'll break."

Osamu clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Then break. It's not that I care about you."

"I said, don't."

"And did ya hear that I don't care?" 

"Why are ya such an asshole?"

Because he can't keep stand and look from afar with how his twin acts, spiralling into madness, isolating himself just because the people he knows have Shinsuke's presence or something; Atsumu keeps spouting nonsense and Osamu's tolerance is at the edge. This god topic is out of control. 

No. It's probably already long gone when the blond decided to move out. 

They were attached hip to hip in the womb, practically inseparable. Thinking that an outsider like Kita Shinsuke could drive them away makes him mad. But then he realised, it's not the older male's fault, it's Atsumu's. 

And it's time for him to step up as a brother. 

"And when will ya move on?"

"It ain't yer business."

"Your business is my business too, 'Tsumu."

"Just because we're twins?"

"'Course not, what are ya talking about?"

"About how annoying ya are, and how I wish I don't have an annoying twin like you."

The hand that wants to give a gentle pat on the shoulder, turned to take a grip on Atsumu's collar. 

"The fuck is your problem?" 

"You. You're my problem."

"No, it's you. I agreed to let you stay in this apartment to move on, not to isolate yourself and go to bars every night!"

"Oh, so you're spying on me now? Disgusting."

"For fucks sake, Atsumu! You're destroying yourself!"

"That's good, it's my intention from the start. Now get lost."

"You-!"

Usually, it's Atsumu who starts the fight, with fist or not. He's a moving flame, a walking volcano. Osamu just has slightly better control than him, and Osamu should have let his other hand stay, continuing its grip on the covers. But it flew into a fist, colliding to Atsumu's right cheek. 

Osamu wishes he can see something, anything, a spark in his brother's eyes. It's weird for their arguments being not heated as before. It's weird to see the blond spat venom without spite, without spirit. It's weird to see him without spirit, without fire within. It's weird to see those pairs of hazels empty. 

But much to his want, it stays the same. 

"... Are you possessed or something?"

"'m just drunk."

No, he didn't smell any alcohol from the older twin. 

"'m just drunk, 'Samu. Drunk and stupid," he scoffed, "Drunk and alone…" 

"You're the one who's pushing everyone, and you're right with the stupid part."

Osamu sighs again, trying to stay sane despite the burning anger inside. His grip falls, with both of his hands he grabs the older's shoulder.

"Yer outta yer mind, 'Tsumu. Kita-san isn't here anymore and ya gotta let him go.

Don't ya look at yerself? Yer broken apart, crazy enough to harm yerself with memories that are supposed to be sweet. Ya don't know how glad I am that your mind is like a one way track, that yer mind decided to take bottles of beers rather than a knife. 

Yer deep in blind love, brother. The game can be over if ya let it go."

But did he want it to be over? Shinsuke is still there, in every corner, in every room he walks in. It's still a game of two, whether he likes it or not. And even if he wants to end the game, won't the other protest? Won't the other lure him so he'll play more? Drink more? Cry more? Hate more? Die more? 

"Ya didn't get it, do ya 'Tsumu?"

"... Yeah, I don't get it 'Samu."

"It's me who said I don't need things like memories. And the funny thing is, it never stopped to haunt me until now. I don't know if it's the only thing that keeps me sane or not."

"It clearly doesn't, 'Tsumu. Memories are made to remind you to not make the same mistake. 'Course yer an asshole for being angry at Kita-san, but it's in the past. Ya can feel guilty all ya want, but don't let it drown ya."

"'Tsumu, look at me."

Osamu smiled when the unfocused hazel orbs finally saw him at the eye. 

"Do ya know what ya should do when ya got hangover?"

"... Sleep in?"

"Before that ya stupid."

"... Drink water?"

"And?"

"Take pain killers."

"That's right. Ya gotta drink water to wash the remnants from last night, to start over. To ease the pain ya gotta take meds. Isn’t this the same steps to get ya out sober?"

"Yer drunk, right? Don't ya want to be sober and alive again, 'Tsumu?"

"... Is it okay? Is it okay if I want to be sober?"

To be unchained from his god, to lose his sight on his god, to ignore his god. Is it okay for a believer like him to do so? 

"Everyone makes mistakes, 'Tsumu. Ya deserve a second chance."

This feels rebellious. Atsumu feels like he's back in his teenage years, but this time rewriting his story, to not fall in love with Kita Shinsuke anymore. 

"Then how can I do that, 'Samu? How can I start over? How can I get sober enough?"

"Didn't you already say it? Drink water, take pain killers."

"Literally?"

"No, 'course not ya silly," Osamu snickered, "Start over with opening up. Push your memories with new ones."

"I must say, the store is kinda lonely without ya."

Atsumu's side lips tugged up, forming his signature smirk. 

"Oh, ya want me to visit ya so bad? Ya just admit ya feel lonely without yer big brother ain't ya? That's so sweet, it makes me sick."

"I said the store, ya dummy. And no, I'm thriving without ya fucking it up."

They shared a laugh that thaws the ice between them, the chasm is now no more, the bridge has been rebuilt. And for once, Atsumu feels at home again. 

"'m not going to push ya to go back. But if ya need me, make sure ya don't knock on my door in some ungodly hour."

Atsumu rolls his eyes. He knows it's an empty threat. So what can he offer more than an empty promise?

"Yeah yeah, I won't."

That's just how their love is, and it's just them who understand fully. 

~****~

The air doesn't smell like loneliness or his repugnant breath after a night out. 

It was like that since Osamu decided—or Atsumu likes to call it invaded—to stay in his apartment. And Osamu always smells like home cooked food. He was treated like a king with having a cook in his kitchen. Atsumu cherished the onigiris, the bickering in the morning before Osamu went to his shop, the deep talk on bed they shared every night. Everything helps him grow out of the box, his brother helped him to nourish. Atsumu definitely won't say this outwardly like he usually does to the others, but he's grateful for having a reliable twin. 

He said it through his onigiri requests, through cooking attempts when Osamu was not home, through opening up whether it's about his feelings or thoughts. He said his thanks through letting Osamu in once again, letting the raven sit beside him and comfort each other with staying. 

The miya twins were known as inseparable, and this is their way to heal each other. They were one soul, separated into two, no wonder they found home in each other. 

His rehabilitation goes in a blink. One night he's too drunk to remember anything; then the other night he feels like he's back to his high school days where he can always talk to his twin about anything, side by side, cramped in the top bunk; now, the air smells like air salonpas. 

The tryout begins today, and Atsumu officially can join training as well. He has a lot to catch up with and will whine if someone teases him about it. But despite the heavy training ahead, he's giddy with it; the training he'll need to do in order to get back in shape, the tosses he'll give, the person with unruly orange hair that may stand on the court with him. Wait, no, not may, he has to. 

He wants to know how far Shouyou has come, how high he jumps now to reach for the sun. He doesn't go to Brazil to mourn, Atsumu is sure about it. And even if sadness has a part in it, it's not everything as Shouyou always come up with something new. 

But before knowing all of that, he needs to apologise, again. Seems like he's stuck in a loop of guilt. But this time, he doesn't want the bitter taste that rests in his mouth. 

"Shouyou-kun."

He keeps a safe distance, watching Shouyou jolt in surprise when he hears his name called, shoulders tense, and slowly turns to Atsumu's direction.

Will he be forgiven again? Will they be normal again? 

"Atsumu-san, do you know why I decided to try MSBY tryout?"

Atsumu was caught in surprise, but then hummed in thought.

"It's just so ya can fight Tobio-kun, right?" 

"Well that's one. There's actually another thing."

"Really? Like what?"

He saw Shouyou's lips forming a pout. "It's to make you fulfil your promise! It's the second time you seem to forget about it, Atsumu-san. Can't believe now I'm the one who needs to remind you again and again."

"I didn't forget! I just… don't remember!" 

"Yeah, right," Shouyou chuckled, "Wish me luck, Atsumu-san?" 

Atsumu smiled. "Ya definitely got this, Shouyou-kun." 

Maybe it's a good thing for old interests to find him. But now it branches to things Atsumu wants to know with a little of hesitation. He doesn't know if he's ready, or if he won't falter when he finally gets what he wants. 

Standing in a grey area doesn't feel good. He's afraid that if he stepped into the light, the sun will leave new scars on his previous blisters, while the darkness is too frightening. Atsumu is standing there, and he doesn't like to do anything. 

He was supposed to grow, to heal, just like how his brother said. Find new love, new perspective in places he knows. Make new memories with the ones you love, new or old. And Shouyou, is listed first. He's the old crush that floats back to surface, letting him know that he's there like a safeguard for boats in the ocean. But same as how it was back in their time of rebellion and uncertainty as a teen, he doesn't want to be a jerk. 

Atsumu Is probably the first one who knew about the freak duo's relationship, and he kept quiet about it. The only living witness who knows about this is Osamu, he knew how his heart divided into two, between a sunshine boy and a god, he knew his dilemma back then. 

Now that he lost his god, is it okay to continue his pursuit for the sun? He wants to, really. But hesitation filled him. 

With how Shouyou still slipped his ex's name, still focused on Tobio only, he decided to stay the same. He didn't want to be a jerk, so he tried to stay in the grey area, eyes seeking for an opening. 

He feels like going back to the starting point, to zero, staying in place doesn't feel good. He must admit it's quite frustrating in terms of volleyball, but with Shouyou, he's not so sure. 

~****~

"'Samu, what do ya think I should do?"

"Heck should I know?"

"'Samuuuuu"

Osamu just sighs as he begins to think if he pampered his brother too much. What can he say? It comes as a second habit whenever he sees Atsumu is down. So of course after he saw him scattered on the ground that night, he'll stay for awhile until Atsumu can stand up again. The same goes when Osamu is under the weather as well. Though the blond will complain a bit, he'll take good care of Osamu and won't hesitate to skip practice if needed. 

He knows Atsumu is not completely sober yet. He can see the past still clinging on his brother's shoulder, and he can't do much but give his brother's hints and advice while hoping it all turns up good eventually. 

"I do say to not look back and continue yer life," Osamu said as he placed a plate of tuna onigiri in front of Atsumu. 

"But rather than hurrying going forward with dragging yerself, don't ya think it'll be better if ya look back and see what's holding ya?"

Atsumu let his fingers touch the rim of the white plate, feeling the radiating warmth from the onigiri. He knows where this is going, and he must say he's not very happy to go way farther than the first page. 

"... It's foolish of me to tell ya to throw Kita-san away. I'm sorry."

The blond lifts his head up, trying to search his brother's eyes that's covered with raven bangs and the tip of his hat. 

"Take that back, 'Samu."

"No. I've done something stupid with kicking ya out from yer containment without thinking twice. I've given ya the worst advice."

Atsumu growls. The familiar feeling of anger bubbling up and he wants nothing more than to wake his brother up. 

"Ya better take that back. Yer not the Samu I know."

"The Miya Osamu I know is a harsh and very self-indulgent person. People said that you are the better twin, but your brother knows that we are the same.

The Miya Osamu I know will only wake his brother once, then leave him without a care. The Miya Osamu I know is never hesitant to kick or punch his brother if he steal pudding or do stupid things. And the Miya Osamu I know will never, ever apologise despite how cruel he is to his brother."

Osamu scoffed. "Seems like my behaviour has been drilled on yer head for years, huh."

"What do ya expect? We're twins, we're practically inseparable," Atsumu rolled his eyes. 

"Much to my suffering."

"Hey! I suffer as much as ya do!"

"Yeah, and it'll be better if ya quickly get up from yer misery now, 'Tsumu."

"Ya do know I want that too. I just…" he trailed, eyes focusing on the now warm onigiri, "I'm just not sure what I should do."

"I think ya know. Ya always have a way to slip through things."

"But this one is different!" Atsumu's fist hits the wooden table, "It's all too fucked up…" 

Osamu sighs as he watches his twin finally take a bite of his onigiri. He holds the triangle gently with his ten fingers, munching it slowly to savour every grain of rice. Seeing Atsumu like this feels like a healing for the raven, since Osamu knows, Atsumu will always treasure his onigiri with love and care.

It doesn't take long for Atsumu to widen his eyes in realisation, ending a nagging anxiety on Osamu's side. 

"Is this…?"

"Yeah, just came in this morning."

"Oh, I see…" Atsumu's face goes unreadable. It blurs between founding epiphany and facing familiarity, but the tinge of sadness is always there, tucked on the corner of his hazel eyes. 

"Ya know what? I'll do what ya said."

"Huh?"

"I take it back," Osamu declared, "I made the right choice with telling ya to lose Kita-san. But ya need to meet him."

"Wait, wha-" 

The younger twin takes his cap off, eyes now clear with determination. 

"Ya need to move on, but in order to do that, ya gotta finish yer unfinished problem first."

"Ya gotta go back to yer origin, 'Tsumu."

Atsumu feels a rushing clarity inside him. He feels glad that Osamu said what his deepest self is trying to tell him. But then, fear also takes the second place, right next to peaceful and it's nagging him. 

Well, who wouldn't be scared to meet their god?

Atsumu is definitely trembling on his feet, only with the thought of it.

~****~

Atsumu gets up early that Sunday.

He makes a bee line to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and takes a shower. Rather than taking his sport jacket, he takes the leather one to compliment his looks. He wraps his breakfast—which is an apple and some granola bars—then proceeds to go down the road with Osamu's truck. 

The travel is dead silent, save for the sound of the rumbling machine and the wind. His fingers left the radio untouched as his mind is already loud enough. 

Atsumu is bouncing on his feet. His eyes appear to be unfocused. Definitely not in his top condition to drive as his mind scattered down the road of remembrance. 

The tranquillity the world gave to him seems to not have any influence on what flares inside him. It burns him not like how fire did, but slowly and surely, painfully with every doubt and thoughts swirling, moving through his veins. 

He'll meet his old god in an hour, what's there not to be afraid of?

He's really out from olympus, huh? Out of reach from his god's wings and watchful gaze. Did he like being watched over by those piercing eyes? Atsumu asked himself to remember them not as cold ones, but warm and loving just like how Shinsuke's touch is.

He suddenly brought back to their last passionate winter. But the cold wind from his opened window brings him back to the cold truth. 

Atsumu asked himself this, does he really want to be back? For him and Shinsuke to start over again? Does he still love his fox god or has he altered to the sun?

Has his feelings truly changed?

~****~

Atsumu found Shinsuke in a place a god should be, in the middle of a golden sea. 

He forgot how tiny and frail the older male's shoulder looks, also how delicate those silver strands are. Everything feels like a painting, Shinsuke looks like inside of a painting as the main star; Atsumu feels like a watcher in a museum, every step that he takes feels painful as he knows he'll ruin this one. 

He knows, he definitely knows, how fragile peace is, and how much he just wants to disappear along this sea of gold rather than disturbing his god. 

And he cursed the wind as a helpless man, for the invisible force to whisper his arrival to the fox god. 

Even in such distance, Atsumu can see how those eyes turn blank when it meets his, how then it regains life again and flashed in sorrow, in old wounds that never healed, that's been neglected for the time being. Atsumu never wanted that, never wanted his or Shinsuke's heart to be broken apart. He never wanted them to look at each other like this, Shinsuke from his rightful throne and Atsumu can only see from the sides. He never wanted their world to be different. May distance be between them, but don't let storms seep, crack their head open and sweep what was left but leave bitter memories. 

How can two people who loved each other before, can now only look at one another in blue? Why not red like how they love once? Why not yellow as they radiance and be each other's happiness? Why not gold like this field of crops? Anything other than sadness. 

"I'm sorry for coming here… Kita-san."

'I'm sorry for being the reason for your sadness.'

"I didn't mean to disturb ya…"

'As much as I mean to not hurt you that day.'

"...But I'll come here again. I'll come here every Sunday."

He'll come here, religiously. He'll greet him though it'll make pain surge through his heart. He'll come here, until blue turns into something else. He'll put his patience and time. He'll treasure and try to nurture what they both have left to goodness. 

Shinsuke is a god, but he never turned into a false god in his own conscious. It was Atsumu who made Shinsuke like that. 

And now it's time for him to change his perspective. 

~****~

Atsumu now begins to doubt that Shinsuke is the god of foxes as he sees the male tames almost everything. He tames wild ducks, chickens that's known for its viciousness, stray cats that occasionally pass his farm, and maybe that's only a piece of it. Atsumu hasn't spent much time in Shinsuke's farm after all. 

"I've been seeing a fox lately."

The blond comes back to earth, switching his gaze from the land of crops to the creator beside him. 

"You do?"

He wants to ask more than that. A fox… does that mean a real fox or a member of Inarizaki? Or is it him? 

Shinsuke nods, a smile latched to his lips. "He's been staring at me with his big ol' eyes."

When the pair of onyx eyes fall on him, it feels peaceful. For once, nothing really separates them. 

"Kinda reminds me of someone, don'cha think?" 

Roses blooms upon the playful in the older male's words. That's definitely about him, isn't it? Who else is brave enough to stare at Kita Shinsuke and hope he'll turn his gaze to him? 

"What did ya see when ya see me, Atsumu?"

Does he mean when they were still at high school? When they were teammates in the court, friends at school? Or does he mean when he's busy chasing down his own hunger? Or does he mean when everything has changed? Like now? 

But oh, does it matter anyway? Because Miya Atsumu never saw Shinsuke in a different light. 

"A god."

Always. Forever. Kita Shinsuke is a god and no one can tell him no, even if the said person claims that he's only a mere farmer. 

Well, once again, how can he see him and not think of a god? When tenderness drips from every pores, drawing and tames every animal he encounters, nourish crops to gold and fresh green, and then see everything with such humble eyes as if saying 'this is good' to everything he created.

Like what the Shinsuke he knows always does, he laughs. Not the throw your head back one, or the chuckle like you're hiding one. But the normal, free laugh Shinsuke shows when he's comfortable. 

Atsumu released the breath he unconsciously held, sagging his shoulder forward. It's been nerve-wracking, but now he's kind of relieved as the situation isn't only peaceful for him, but for Shinsuke as well. 

"I'm just a human who tried to reach for my own happiness," he said with a small smile. 

Atsumu smiled back, as softly as the older male. "Did ya find it, Kita-san?" 

"At first I thought I lost it forever," Shinsuke threw his gaze to the field again, "Now I think it's right here."

"I'm glad," the blond said, "It's beautiful, anything that you make."

The golden sea of crops. The neat otoros for dinner. The perfectly peeled orange. And the way Shinsuke mends Atsumu's heart. 

"It's just more reason for me to think that yer really a god."

Shinsuke's laugh reaches his eyes. 

"A persistent one, ain't ya?"

Well he needs to. As a believer, he needs to be persistent enough to believe what he wants to believe, to get what he wants, to search for his own happiness. 

His old god has found one, it's time for him to also find one while rejoicing along the way. 

~****~

Life sometimes comes with a pattern. 

After we experience something bad in a period of time, it'll eventually turn better as if it was a gift for us being able to survive the test, the great downs of life. 

After swimming in a sea of gold, making peace with his god, Atsumu found himself in a locker room full of strong players, currently wearing their red uniform with Japan's flag on their right chest. Names written boldly on the back, to show and to pride over their achievement, to give the opponents the names that will conquer the court. 

The blond feels his chest swells in pride. Maybe it's because he finally made it here, or maybe it's because of the number he chose. The number Osamu once wore in high school, a purpose of bringing his twin along as he can never reach this far without an annoying brother like Osamu. 

"Eleven looks nice on ya."

Atsumu brings up a toothy grin, unable to suppress his happiness. 

"Thanks, Aran-kun."

"I heard ya visited Shinsuke… Are both of ya alright now?"

Atsumu's smile softened whenever he heard his old god's name. Only gratitude and joy that fills the niche of his soul, only sweet memories invade his mind. 

"Yeah, we're fine. He's as godly as ever."

"Ya still went on with yer god stuff?" Aran sighed, "He's just a man who's clueless with his feelings! Maybe he looks mighty with how he never hesitates to say the truth and being all disciplined, but other than that, he's bad! Really bad!" 

"Wow… Aran-kun, seems like ya have lots of trouble with Kita-san in the past…"

"Ya think?!" he gained some curious looks over his change of voice. 

"I had enough with how he talked about ya then say that he has no hard feelings for ya! It was clear that he's head over heels but his cold logic just- Ya know what? Never mind. It's all in the past and I can only laugh at it now."

Atsumu laughs at the older male's sudden burst. It's definitely fun to know the perfect Kita Shinsuke's other sides. He should pry more when he has the chance. 

"Here's a piece of advice from yer senpai. Don't fall in love with a clueless person..."

'Welp, seems like yer too late, Aran-kun.'

"...and don't think everyone is unreachable."

The younger male was caught in a surprise with the last piece of advice. 

"I think ya see Shinsuke as a god because other than his good aspects, it's because ya see him not in the same level as yers. In fact, both of ya are humans. There's no one more superior than the others. Shinsuke himself sometimes looks at ya as a kid, but then he can saw ya as a partner… though it has changed now, but ya got the point!"

"So why did ya even see him as a god when he's just a mere human, same as ya?"

"... I don't know," Atsumu carefully said, "There's lots of reasons why I can see Kita-san as a god, but I think if I need to only say one then… it's just the way he is. My guts say so."

Aran sighs again. "Unbelievable. I thought ya were a simpleton but now ya have grown with a stone head."

"But really, Atsumu. Don't think anyone is too far. Gods were supposed to be reachable, right? So reach for one."

So reach for one, Atsumu smiled at the thought. He already chose one, but doubt still hangs low in his head, about how close this star is. 

~****~

"Iwa-san, do ya believe in gods?"

"What?"

Atsumu never seen the team's trainer's face shows a surprised expression like that. 

"Do ya ever think yer boyfriend is secretly a god?"

"Huh?"

Still the same reaction. Atsumu should get a gold medal for it. 

"Ya know. Who is it again? Ah, Oikawa Tooru!"

No response and the raven is still the same. Atsumu can feel awkward and tension creeps up to the ceiling, killing him slowly with pure embarrassment as blood rushes to his face. 

"Oh come on! Fill me out! It's embarrassing if ya keep it like that, Iwa-san!"

Seems like his call for help wakes Hajime up as he lets out a chiming laugh. 

"Sorry sorry. I thought you're going to convert me into your religion or something."

Atsumu can only pout as he waits for an answer. "Well?"

"Tooru? A god?" he scoffed, "He's definitely far from that."

"He has the worst personality anyone can have. If anyone takes my position for a day, they can understand how much of a brat Tooru is."

"But then…" Hajime looks fondly to the court. The Argentina team hasn't arrived yet, "I think it’s the dirt that makes him… holy."

"...Dirt?"

"Ah, you see," the raven laughs to himself then looks to Atsumu with a wide smile. 

"Though he has a bad personality, he's not someone you can easily get rid of. He knows the taste of defeat and inferiority better than anyone. But that doesn't hold him back. Negativity sometimes gets him but then it's my job to slap him out of it, just like how he did the same to me."

"He can fall as many times life wants to hold him down, but he'll come back again."

"I was lucky enough to see how Tooru is shaped into a star… well I think he's already one from the start."

Atsumu mirrored the smile as well, but showed some teasing bits at the corner of his lips. "Seems like ya adored him so much, huh?" 

Hajime only rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Miya."

"I don't know why you suddenly ask that to me but… don't let it hold you down, yeah?" 

"We're here for you. Including Hinata."

Now it's the blond turns to be teased. 

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yup. Hinata is just too focused on volleyball, like always. I wish you good luck."

"I don't think I need one," Atsumu placed his gaze to the unruly orange hair, "It's not luck that can get a god's heart, Iwa-san."

'It's adoration,' he thought to himself as he moved closer to the shorter male. 

"Shouyou-kun."

"Atsumu-san!"

"Yer shoelaces are untied."

"Eh? Really? I thought I've tied it!" 

"Let me."

Atsumu crouched down and time once again slowed down their step to watch them. It's as if they're in the centre of the world and everything around them slowed down. 

Atsumu let his focus fall onto the red strings, not to Shouyou, not to the people around them. He focuses on his task and feels adoration pours out from his heart, down to his finger tips and he can only hope it soaked Shouyou enough to let him know how much Atsumu has fallen for him. 

From one to the other, without missing a beat, without a rest. Like a river that yearns for the sea. Like icarus who adores the sun. 

Atsumu declared himself as a believer of the biggest star in this universe, as a believer of a god that shines so bright that his days look better with him, as a believer that Hinata Shouyou is also a god. 

"Thank you, Atsumu-san…"

"No problem, Shouyou-kun."

He was never a man of talk. His act speaks louder than ever. Atsumu is glad he has people who push him to be brave and step forward. 

Now that he has taken that step, he can only believe everything will turn out well, just like a believer he is. 

~****~

"Atsumu-san, I think you're a god as well."

Argentina won and everyone can see how a certain brunet swoops Japan's athletic trainer from his feet and kisses him hard.

It was supposed to be a sad experience. Defeat is never easy to be taken off. But all he can see is bliss in Shouyou's face. 

"I think yer mistaking me as one, Shouyou-kun."

"No, you definitely are."

"Even after I pushed you away?"

"Yeah! I was inconsiderate back then. I'm sorry."

"... It's okay, Shouyou-kun. Yer act made me realise how much I need ya."

"As a god?"

"As a partner. And well, yeah, maybe a god as well. No matter what, I'll see ya as one."

"Then no matter what, I'll see you as one too, Atsumu-san!"

"A persistent one aren't ya?" Atsumu laughs.

"You're the same too!"

"But why, Shouyou-kun?"

The ginger looks to the blond with stars in his eyes. "Do you need reasons to adore someone? If so, then I adore how deep you are, Atsumu-san."

"I adore how broken you are, how battered you are. I adore that side of you very much that I don't want to see you that way again. If I… if I can brighten your day up a bit, then I'll be glad to do so!"

"You didn't fall, Atsumu-san. The clouds catched you."

"..Yeah," Atsumu whispered, "The clouds catched me. That's how I can meet the sun. That's how I can meet you, Shouyou-kun."

A sudden spark of bravery elicits a bold move from the blond, cupping Shouyou cheeks before bringing both of them closer. 

Shouyou said he falls right into the clouds, he might be telling the truth. Why? Because when Atsumu brings their lips together, he feels like he's thrown back to the first time he saw a god, to where he first experienced love in his high school years; he feels back home, to the cloud nine, to the place where he once belonged.

Though this time he's with a different person, he can feel things will be as good as before, and even better and better. 

Shouyou, the god of the sun, will be his new start and the last. And he'll be a believer who'll diligently say his thanks through the overflowing love Kita Shinsuke once planted in him. 

~****~

In the end, each of them is a god to one another. It's a symbol of their agape, their whole and true love. Their worship is the form of their loyalty and affection. 

Believers need their gods' presence, extended hands that say "I'm here" or they'll become sick. That's why, as we are born as gods and believers, let's be aware of people around us, let's be reachable and pursue our own happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> The clouds catches you. You will never fall too low.


End file.
